Beautiful piece by Heather Corrina over at Scarleteen. She talks about how living with disability puts you in the mindset of not dwelling on what you can’t do, but rather adapting and focusing on what you can. Which, when applied to sex, can prevent situations like losing an erection not seem like the end of the world:
For instance, maybe you don’t have an erection right now, but you do still have hands a mouth or other body parts that are cooperating just fine that can give a partner and you pleasure, or maybe oral sex on your penis still feels amazing when it’s soft. Maybe your vagina isn’t as wet as you like, so you adapt by using some lubricant or by switching your focus from something to do with your vagina to something to do with your external clitoris, breasts, thighs or neck that feels good. Maybe you can’t have sex comfortably in this position, so you either switch to one that is comfortable, or change something with the other one, like adding a pillow or asking a partner to add support to a part of your body with their hands.
She goes on to point out that malfunctions are going to happen during sex— silly things like farting or momentary issues like leg cramps and muscle spasms. But you can get past them! Often with a better relationship you had with your partner before.
Corrina also talks about beauty standards with regards to people with disability, and how disability awareness can also make people more creative during sex. Preconceived notions of what can be done or is usually done fly right out the window. Just as many queer relationships subvert traditional gender roles because there are no rules for pansexual women dating MTF women, people with disabilities get to start from square one in engineering their own sexual pleasure.
It’s a beautifully written piece that is chock full of feel-good awesomeness and even better ideas. Give it a read.
"When you tell somebody you won’t sleep with them because of how you think they might end up feeling, you’re taking away their agency and thinking for them and not letting them make decisions on their own. I have no way of knowing how a person will respond or react no matter how many partners they’ve had or not had, and it isn’t really fair for me to think for them and make decisions like that based on my feelings about how they maybe possibly might act."
"What do we really learn about sex when one of the first things we may learn is that we are not allowed to openly discuss the questions we have? What about when we learn that penises are referred to as “wee-wees,” “pee-pees” and “ding-dongs,” and female genitalia are referred to as “down there” or as “vaginas” (thereby ignoring the vulva, clitoris, and mons)? When we ask about “where babies come from” and we are told that “when Mommies and Daddies are in love…,” what happens when we find ourselves sexually attracted to people for whom we have no such feelings? The ways in which we communicate about everything sexual can be carefully analyzed to reveal our cultural values."Rebecca F. Plante, Sexualities in Context: A Social Perspective (via quitequiteblue)
"I hate how the phrase ‘have some self respect’ is used to shame women who are comfortable with their sex lives. ‘Have some self respect’? I do respect myself, that’s why I wanna have a fucking orgasm tonight, thank you very much."Unknown (via folkthepainaway)
"It took a moment where I could completely unravel and erupt to say what I’d been needing to say, which was: “Just because I’m the kind of girl who likes to get cummed on sometimes, that doesn’t mean I’m always going to be tough and superhuman and without hang-ups. I don’t want you to stop seeing me as a sexual object, but sometimes I am going to need some extra reassurance and validation, especially after I’ve made myself vulnerable for your sexual pleasure."The Time I Cried After A Facial (Not the Spa Kind) - By, Jane Helpern
I believe I’ve seen a comprehensive description of consent once before. Figured I’d contribute as it’s a subject that bears repeating.
- Non-coercive: If you’re cojoling, threatening or otherwise trying to “convince” someone to engage in a sexual act with you, you are breaking consent. If you asked 16 times and got 15 No’s and 1 Yes, you still did not adequately obtain consent. Also, you’re a weak individual.
- Not fixed: What I mean by this is you shouldn’t take for granted that after asking once for consent that you now have consent forever. It’s not like landing a gig as a Supreme Court judge. You don’t have consent for life. It should be continuously negotiated.
- Dynamic: Related to the above note, consent for one act does not necessitate consent for all acts. Consent is not an EZ Pass. It should be re-addressed constantly for different acts.
- Conscious: Yeah, I want to believe I don’t have to explain this one. Bad enough I had to list it. But ok, yes, an inebriated/asleep/passed out or otherwise not fully coherent person cannot consent. There, you can’t say no one ever told you.
- Unambiguous/Explicit: Assume all of the following to mean “no.” — “Maybe,” “I’m not sure,” “Not yet,” “Kinda,” “Wait a minute,” …I could go on.
- Not contingent upon sexual interest nor sexual arousal: We know. Blue balls are a motherfucker. Still no excuse. Neither your NOR the expressed/implied interest of any potential partners is an invitation to any act. Also, neither your nor the (assumed) arousal of anyone you might want to have sex with is an invitation. Yes, someone might be aroused and still not want to fuck. Crazy times. I know.
- Not compensatory: Yeah, that dinner and a movie were nice. Still not an invitation to fuck. And if you thought it was, you’re a world class asshole.
- Not something that requires a qualifier: No one needs to explain why they are not granting you consent. No is enough.
I will always reblog this. It’s good information, & any writing about consent that says ‘consent is not an EZ Pass’ is pretty damn awesome.
Rules of Engagement.