Beautiful piece by Heather Corrina over at Scarleteen. She talks about how living with disability puts you in the mindset of not dwelling on what you can’t do, but rather adapting and focusing on what you can. Which, when applied to sex, can prevent situations like losing an erection not seem like the end of the world:
For instance, maybe you don’t have an erection right now, but you do still have hands a mouth or other body parts that are cooperating just fine that can give a partner and you pleasure, or maybe oral sex on your penis still feels amazing when it’s soft. Maybe your vagina isn’t as wet as you like, so you adapt by using some lubricant or by switching your focus from something to do with your vagina to something to do with your external clitoris, breasts, thighs or neck that feels good. Maybe you can’t have sex comfortably in this position, so you either switch to one that is comfortable, or change something with the other one, like adding a pillow or asking a partner to add support to a part of your body with their hands.
She goes on to point out that malfunctions are going to happen during sex— silly things like farting or momentary issues like leg cramps and muscle spasms. But you can get past them! Often with a better relationship you had with your partner before.
Corrina also talks about beauty standards with regards to people with disability, and how disability awareness can also make people more creative during sex. Preconceived notions of what can be done or is usually done fly right out the window. Just as many queer relationships subvert traditional gender roles because there are no rules for pansexual women dating MTF women, people with disabilities get to start from square one in engineering their own sexual pleasure.
It’s a beautifully written piece that is chock full of feel-good awesomeness and even better ideas. Give it a read.
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"When you tell somebody you won’t sleep with them because of how you think they might end up feeling, you’re taking away their agency and thinking for them and not letting them make decisions on their own. I have no way of knowing how a person will respond or react no matter how many partners they’ve had or not had, and it isn’t really fair for me to think for them and make decisions like that based on my feelings about how they maybe possibly might act."
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"What do we really learn about sex when one of the first things we may learn is that we are not allowed to openly discuss the questions we have? What about when we learn that penises are referred to as “wee-wees,” “pee-pees” and “ding-dongs,” and female genitalia are referred to as “down there” or as “vaginas” (thereby ignoring the vulva, clitoris, and mons)? When we ask about “where babies come from” and we are told that “when Mommies and Daddies are in love…,” what happens when we find ourselves sexually attracted to people for whom we have no such feelings? The ways in which we communicate about everything sexual can be carefully analyzed to reveal our cultural values."Rebecca F. Plante, Sexualities in Context: A Social Perspective (via quitequiteblue)
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» 10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Porn - By Roger Barnett
I wish someone had sat down with me when I was in my early teens and had a frank chat about pornography and sex. In the absence of genuine information about sex, pornography became a de facto educational tool, and I assumed what it portrayed was accurate. Needless to say, like many teens, this set me up to get about a hundred things wrong in bed in the future
I’m not anti-porn. Indeed, if we’re talking about sex between consenting adults, I’m decidedly liberal. But porn has its dangers and needs to be framed in some kind of context and coupled with real information. Otherwise, like me, our youth are in for an unpleasant series of surprises when they attempt to copy what they see in porn with their own partners; the real world is far more complicated –- and interesting! –- than much of what’s on our screens.
Before I divulge my sometimes embarrassingly earned lessons, I need to tackle a pervasive myth: that porn is fundamentally disrespectful towards women, and to enjoy porn is to be a misogynist. I used to assume this was true, and trying to reconcile my love of women with my enjoyment of porn was a challenge. Eventually I was relieved to discover that despite the presence of porn in my life, I didn’t hate women or want to treat my female partners badly. If the misogyny myth wasn’t true for me, then maybe it simply wasn’t true
The alleged link between porn and a hatred of women has never been demonstrated by research. Personally, I believe that if one already hates women (or men), one will find porn that expresses that hatred in a sexualised way. However, if in life you approach people with respect, then you will find that nasty porn is just not to your liking. We live in liberal times, and you have access to an incredible array of stimulus; keep searching until you find something ethical.
So here is what I wish someone had told me:
- No two people are the same, and no two people like the same things in bed. Further, what a person likes will change depending on who they’re with, and even at different times with the same partner. In mainstream porn, certain themes emerge, and it’s easy to assume that those recurrent patterns can be transposed onto all partners. It is better to start sex from a perspective of curiosity and a willingness to experiment (and watch the feedback), rather than with an arsenal of moves up your sleeve that might have worked for somebody else.
- The sex and sexual techniques that are portrayed in pornography are selected based on what will look dynamic on screen, rather than what is enjoyable or what the actors themselves might actually like. This means that big, dramatic, and often hard-core sex scenes take up most of the time in porn, and the less grandiose and subtler things get left out simply because they’re not as cinematic. There’s a place for big, fast, athletic sex, but there’s also a place for slow, intimate acts done with the right attitude. As with all sex, the best way to navigate is to simply run some experiments, and ask for feedback.
- A lot of heterosexual porn is somewhat stereotyped in terms of gender roles; he will generally be the pursuer, the active one, the one on top, while she will be pursued, more passive, and often be on the bottom. Sticking rigidly to these roles doesn’t work for most people. You’re short-changing yourself if you never switch things around and play with the dynamics, even if only for five minutes here and there, to see what you like.
- All bodies are beautiful. Pornography (and the fashion and advertising industries, generally), cater almost exclusively to people of a certain shape, and we are led to believe that only these people are sexy. The truth is that what a person is like in bed depends on their relationship to you, and their relationship to their own body. The way they look gives you no information about either of these things – although the way they look at you will give you some hints!
- Pubic hair is beautiful. Some people get rid of it, others don’t; both have their advantages. Learn to have fun either way, and love your own body either way. Being comfortable in your own body, however it looks, is perhaps the greatest gift you can offer to yourself and those you choose to share your body with.
- Saying “no” is as much a part of sex as saying “yes”. It’s easy to assume, from watching porn, that a good lover will already know a hundred and one tricks to get any partner off. In reality, sex is a constant and creative series of experiments, some of which work, many of which don’t. There are no standards that work with all people, every time. Asking your partner to do something differently is a sure path to improving sex for the both of you, especially if it’s phrased as a positive request – “can you please try it more like this…?” – rather than simply “that’s not working for me”. Also, it should go without saying that if you don’t want something, you are always and unquestionably entitled to say a nice, clear “no” – both men and women suffer pressure to skip this important step.
- Something that almost never comes across in pornography is the love – or at least the sense of intimacy – that exists between most partners. It doesn’t make for easy screenplay, and most porn actors don’t have such feelings for one another. However, in your life, these are the things that will change sex from being a basic physical act, to a deeply moving and gratifying spiritual experience that brings you closer to your self and your partner (if you want it to). (This point shouldn’t be read as a vote against casual sex with a relative stranger, if that’s what you’re into).
- In the context of a relationship, sex starts hours, days, weeks before penetration – if penetration happens at all. When creating pornography, directors aren’t aiming to put together hours of tantalising dialogue and witty flirting, or even the unlimited varieties of foreplay that most folks enjoy; they’re pitching to an audience that they believe just wants to see explicit sex and lots of it, and so this is what is often produced. However, in real life, putting that much focus on just the hard-core parts of sex makes for some of the least enjoyable sex you could hope for. The way you and your partners treat each other throughout the day, and the way sex begins, makes a big difference to your enjoyment of sex.
- The more you watch one particular kind of porn, or one particular body type, the more your brain will wire itself to associate that type of activity or person with sex. This has implications for your love life; be careful you don’t accidentally program yourself for a narrow band of enjoyment, as you might overlook a whole variety of other pleasures.
- Porn works pretty well if you just want some relief. But again, you’re inadvertently programming yourself for quick, shallow orgasms if this is the extent of how you use it. Why not go the other way? Set aside a couple of hours, rack up a suite of your favorite porn, and see how long you can hold out for. Soon you’ll be having orgasms you didn’t know were possible, and it will radically improve your love life, not detract from it.
Good sex is both your right and it’s within your reach –- treat it like any other skill that might benefit from some focus now and then. Pornography is not always useful as an educational resource, but nor is it pure evil. Let your own feedback and the feedback from your partner be your ultimate guide, and enjoy!
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We had a dental dam laid out on our Freshers’ Week stall & so many of you asked us what it was & how it worked that we thought we’d write a short introductory post, which should hopefully answer all your questions.
What is a dental dam?
A dental dam is a thin rectangle of latex which can be used during oral sex to reduce the risk of STI transmission - they work in the same way as condoms, by creating a barrier between bodily fluids & skin. People often view oral sex as less risky, but both herpes & HPV can be transferred through mouth to vulva contact, so it’s important to protect yourself.
Dental dams are also great for reducing your risk of getting a vaginal infection & for annilingus, since they prevent any direct contact between the mouth & anus, which some people might not feel comfortable with.
You can buy dental dams in most large pharmacies, get them from the GUM clinic, or though the C:Card scheme on campus. They come in lots of different flavours, or you could add flavoured lube (although be careful if you’re susceptible to yeast infections, since sugary flavoured lubes will up your risk of infection).
So, how do I use a dental dam?
- First off, check the packet. Dental dams usually come in a thin, film packet, so check that there aren’t any tears or that the packet is particularly wrinkled, since these both up the chances of the dental dam being damaged. Next check that the dental dam is within it’s use-by date, & has a CE Mark, & preferably also a kitemark (these guarantee it is safe & effective).
- If everything looks ok, open the packet, being careful not to tear the dental dam itself. Dentals usually come folded up with a little latex band to keep them in place, so take this off & then unfold the dam.
- At this point you can add lube (not oil-based as this will make it more likely to split) to the dental dam (on one or both sides) & place it on either the vulva or anus, making sure it doesn’t get folded.
- You can now perform cunnilingus or annilingus to your’s & your partner’s delight! The important thing to remember is never to move the dam from one orifice to another, & never turn the dental dam over since this stops it from being an effective form of protection. Feel free to add some extra lube if it dries out.
- Once you’re done, wrap the dental dam up in some tissue & throw it in the bin. Dental dams are non-reusable so make sure you have a new one each time you have oral sex, & for each person who has oral sex performed on them.
I can’t get hold of dental dams, are there any alternatives?
Dental dams can be tricky to get hold of (especially if you’re looking for latex-free ones) although the Advice Place usually have a good selection in the C:Card cupboard.
If you can’t get a hold of them, both latex gloves & condoms can be used as a replacement. Simply cut the glove or condom down the sides to create a rectangle, then you can use it just the same as a dental dam.
In a push, you can also use non-microwaveable saran wrap or cling film, although this is obviously not ideal & likely to be less comfortable.
Can I use a dental dam for scissoring?
Absolutely! STIs can be passed between vaginas, so if you & your partner both have a vulva & want to stay safe whilst grinding or scissoring a dental dam is a great option. One of you simply clips the dental dam in place using a garter belt or a dental dam harness (although these are usually expensive & difficult to find), & then you’re free to go. Just make sure that the dam doesn’t tear or shift & you’ll both be protected.
Dental dams are rarely discussed in sex education at school (this is part of a wider problem with schools only focusing on penis in vagina sex) but they’re a great way to get the maximum amount of fun out of sex whilst keeping you & your partner(s) safe.
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"I hate how the phrase ‘have some self respect’ is used to shame women who are comfortable with their sex lives. ‘Have some self respect’? I do respect myself, that’s why I wanna have a fucking orgasm tonight, thank you very much."Unknown (via folkthepainaway)
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"It took a moment where I could completely unravel and erupt to say what I’d been needing to say, which was: “Just because I’m the kind of girl who likes to get cummed on sometimes, that doesn’t mean I’m always going to be tough and superhuman and without hang-ups. I don’t want you to stop seeing me as a sexual object, but sometimes I am going to need some extra reassurance and validation, especially after I’ve made myself vulnerable for your sexual pleasure."The Time I Cried After A Facial (Not the Spa Kind) - By, Jane Helpern
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Consent
I believe I’ve seen a comprehensive description of consent once before. Figured I’d contribute as it’s a subject that bears repeating.
Consent is:
- Non-coercive: If you’re cojoling, threatening or otherwise trying to “convince” someone to engage in a sexual act with you, you are breaking consent. If you asked 16 times and got 15 No’s and 1 Yes, you still did not adequately obtain consent. Also, you’re a weak individual.
- Not fixed: What I mean by this is you shouldn’t take for granted that after asking once for consent that you now have consent forever. It’s not like landing a gig as a Supreme Court judge. You don’t have consent for life. It should be continuously negotiated.
- Dynamic: Related to the above note, consent for one act does not necessitate consent for all acts. Consent is not an EZ Pass. It should be re-addressed constantly for different acts.
- Conscious: Yeah, I want to believe I don’t have to explain this one. Bad enough I had to list it. But ok, yes, an inebriated/asleep/passed out or otherwise not fully coherent person cannot consent. There, you can’t say no one ever told you.
- Unambiguous/Explicit: Assume all of the following to mean “no.” — “Maybe,” “I’m not sure,” “Not yet,” “Kinda,” “Wait a minute,” …I could go on.
- Not contingent upon sexual interest nor sexual arousal: We know. Blue balls are a motherfucker. Still no excuse. Neither your NOR the expressed/implied interest of any potential partners is an invitation to any act. Also, neither your nor the (assumed) arousal of anyone you might want to have sex with is an invitation. Yes, someone might be aroused and still not want to fuck. Crazy times. I know.
- Not compensatory: Yeah, that dinner and a movie were nice. Still not an invitation to fuck. And if you thought it was, you’re a world class asshole.
- Not something that requires a qualifier: No one needs to explain why they are not granting you consent. No is enough.
I will always reblog this. It’s good information, & any writing about consent that says ‘consent is not an EZ Pass’ is pretty damn awesome.
Rules of Engagement.
