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Anxious times.

  1. »  Sex and Disability Resources List

    disabledpeoplearesexy:

    a really good list of resources on sex and disability here

  2. "When you tell somebody you won’t sleep with them because of how you think they might end up feeling, you’re taking away their agency and thinking for them and not letting them make decisions on their own. I have no way of knowing how a person will respond or react no matter how many partners they’ve had or not had, and it isn’t really fair for me to think for them and make decisions like that based on my feelings about how they maybe possibly might act."
    Comment from: It Happened To Me: I Ended Up In Bed With A 27-Year-Old Virgin

  3. »  Getting With Girls Like Us: A Radical Guide to Dating Trans* Women for Cis Women - By Savannah

  4. "What do we really learn about sex when one of the first things we may learn is that we are not allowed to openly discuss the questions we have? What about when we learn that penises are referred to as “wee-wees,” “pee-pees” and “ding-dongs,” and female genitalia are referred to as “down there” or as “vaginas” (thereby ignoring the vulva, clitoris, and mons)? When we ask about “where babies come from” and we are told that “when Mommies and Daddies are in love…,” what happens when we find ourselves sexually attracted to people for whom we have no such feelings? The ways in which we communicate about everything sexual can be carefully analyzed to reveal our cultural values."
    Rebecca F. Plante, Sexualities in Context: A Social Perspective (via quitequiteblue)
  5. "

    Clearly, things were not “going well” for David. And as more social media chatter and newspaper articles came out, it became clear that there was a crucial dimension to the bullying that caused much anxiety for Bennion and the Granite School District–David was gay.

    As reported in The Salt Lake Tribune, while David’s family lovingly supported him when he came out as gay, David shielded his parents from the “horror and negative experiences” he faced at Bennion. The desire to protect the parents from knowing that one is being bullied is quite common, according to Dr. Amanda Di Bartolomeo, a clinical psychologist at George Mason University who has worked with students in similar situations. But what’s uncommon and inexcusable is that no one from Bennion alerted the Phan family about any “personal challenges,” whether bullying or non-bullying related.

    Unquestionably, Bennion’s chain of command failed to provide David the support he needed and wanted. It has also failed many of its other students, as indicated in many of the letters from current and former classmates addressed to the Phan family. So what, exactly, was the tipping point for David?

    As reported in The Salt Lake Tribune, on the day David committed suicide, Bennion alerted his mother, Phuong Tran, to let her know that her son had been suspended. When Tran rushed to the school, she was told by the principal that the reason for David’s suspension was because they found a condom in his backpack. When asked why a condom should justify suspension, she was told that they would discuss it further the following Tuesday.What do you think?

    Apparently, Bennion exists in a universe where the search of an Asian-Pacific Islander American (APIA) student’s body and personal property is warranted, and where a condom on campus is seen as a sign of criminal behavior rather than mature responsibility (not to mention that many public schools freely give out condoms to students to encourage safe-sex practices). Whereas David’s Vietnamese family unconditionally embraced him when he came out as gay, Bennion and Granite turned its back on David as he endured anti-gay bullying–and used the condom to punitively construct David’s sexuality as a threat to the school.

    "
    The R’s guest contributor Terry K. Park exposes how the late David Phan’s school failed to protect him in life and death—and how the Asian American LGB&T* communities rallied around his memory and family—on the R today. (via racialicious)

  7. »  Native Youth Sexual Health Network Requests Support to Advance Culturally Safe Sexuality Education

    The Native Youth Sexual Health Network (NYSHN) works with Indigenous communities across the United States and Canada to advocate for healthy sexuality, cultural competency, youth empowerment, reproductive justice and sex positivity by and for Native youth.

    The organization is a peer-based network of individuals, families, communities and Indigenous society at large that works directly with service providers, organizations, agencies, adults, and Elders and allied communities. To support their efforts to help Indigenous youth across Turtle Island with any and all sexual and reproductive health issues, the NYSHN is requesting donations this holiday season.

    Support the NYSHN by making a contribution at http://www.nativeyouthsexualhealth.com/donations.html.

    The NYSHN press release states:

    “Your donations will go towards our front-line work throughout communities across the United States and Canada in:

    —supporting culturally safe sexuality education that is interactive and participatory

    —youth human rights advocacy at the United Nations Permanent Forum on Indigenous Issues, as well as other Indigenous human rights mechanisms

    —resource creation that is youth-friendly and accessible

    —ensuring we can bring things like safer sex supplies (condoms of all kinds, dentals dams etc.) to communities

    —advocating for the full and effective participation of Indigenous youth within specific initiatives like community advisories

    —Two Spirit and LGBTTIQ youth outreach, support and education

    —violence prevention and supporting community based solutions

    —supporting our 2 Indigenous youth councils on HIV/AIDS in the United States and Canada

    —ensuring successful and accessible community events like film screenings, project launches, community gatherings and more!

    —increase our ability to access to remote, rural and northern communities

    —valuing the knowledge and expertise of youth by paying them for their work

    While we cannot give out tax receipts for your donation as our organization does direct advocacy and community mobilization work, we will send you a recognition letter of appreciation. Please ensure your donation includes your e-mail or mailing address where you would like this letter sent to.

    Donate online through our Paypal Account in either US or Canadian dollars. Note: You don’t need to have a Paypal account to donate this way online.

    Or send us a check or money order in either US or Canadian dollars to:

    Native Youth Sexual Health Network
    2345 Yonge St.
    PO Box 26069 Broadway
    Toronto, Ontario
    Canada
    M4P 0A8

    If you require a United States mailing address only or have any questions or issues about donations, contact us.

    Thank you in advance!”

  8. »  xoJane: Dads, You Don't Own Your Daughters

    Telling daughters that their fathers own them and have the rights to their bodies is creepy. And it sets up for the eventual transfer of bigger, even scarier ideas. Like that men in general own them and are entitled to their bodies. Like that husbands have the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want, because the wife’s father has transferred ownership.

  9. »  10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Porn - By Roger Barnett

    I wish someone had sat down with me when I was in my early teens and had a frank chat about pornography and sex. In the absence of genuine information about sex, pornography became a de facto educational tool, and I assumed what it portrayed was accurate. Needless to say, like many teens, this set me up to get about a hundred things wrong in bed in the future

    I’m not anti-porn. Indeed, if we’re talking about sex between consenting adults, I’m decidedly liberal. But porn has its dangers and needs to be framed in some kind of context and coupled with real information. Otherwise, like me, our youth are in for an unpleasant series of surprises when they attempt to copy what they see in porn with their own partners; the real world is far more complicated –- and interesting! –- than much of what’s on our screens.

    Before I divulge my sometimes embarrassingly earned lessons, I need to tackle a pervasive myth: that porn is fundamentally disrespectful towards women, and to enjoy porn is to be a misogynist. I used to assume this was true, and trying to reconcile my love of women with my enjoyment of porn was a challenge. Eventually I was relieved to discover that despite the presence of porn in my life, I didn’t hate women or want to treat my female partners badly. If the misogyny myth wasn’t true for me, then maybe it simply wasn’t true

    The alleged link between porn and a hatred of women has never been demonstrated by research. Personally, I believe that if one already hates women (or men), one will find porn that expresses that hatred in a sexualised way. However, if in life you approach people with respect, then you will find that nasty porn is just not to your liking. We live in liberal times, and you have access to an incredible array of stimulus; keep searching until you find something ethical.

    So here is what I wish someone had told me: 

    1. No two people are the same, and no two people like the same things in bed. Further, what a person likes will change depending on who they’re with, and even at different times with the same partner. In mainstream porn, certain themes emerge, and it’s easy to assume that those recurrent patterns can be transposed onto all partners. It is better to start sex from a perspective of curiosity and a willingness to experiment (and watch the feedback), rather than with an arsenal of moves up your sleeve that might have worked for somebody else.
    2. The sex and sexual techniques that are portrayed in pornography are selected based on what will look dynamic on screen, rather than what is enjoyable or what the actors themselves might actually like. This means that big, dramatic, and often hard-core sex scenes take up most of the time in porn, and the less grandiose and subtler things get left out simply because they’re not as cinematic. There’s a place for big, fast, athletic sex, but there’s also a place for slow, intimate acts done with the right attitude. As with all sex, the best way to navigate is to simply run some experiments, and ask for feedback.
    3. A lot of heterosexual porn is somewhat stereotyped in terms of gender roles; he will generally be the pursuer, the active one, the one on top, while she will be pursued, more passive, and often be on the bottom. Sticking rigidly to these roles doesn’t work for most people. You’re short-changing yourself if you never switch things around and play with the dynamics, even if only for five minutes here and there, to see what you like.
    4. All bodies are beautiful. Pornography (and the fashion and advertising industries, generally), cater almost exclusively to people of a certain shape, and we are led to believe that only these people are sexy. The truth is that what a person is like in bed depends on their relationship to you, and their relationship to their own body. The way they look gives you no information about either of these things – although the way they look at you will give you some hints!
    5. Pubic hair is beautiful. Some people get rid of it, others don’t; both have their advantages. Learn to have fun either way, and love your own body either way. Being comfortable in your own body, however it looks, is perhaps the greatest gift you can offer to yourself and those you choose to share your body with.
    6. Saying “no” is as much a part of sex as saying “yes”. It’s easy to assume, from watching porn, that a good lover will already know a hundred and one tricks to get any partner off. In reality, sex is a constant and creative series of experiments, some of which work, many of which don’t. There are no standards that work with all people, every time. Asking your partner to do something differently is a sure path to improving sex for the both of you, especially if it’s phrased as a positive request – “can you please try it more like this…?” – rather than simply “that’s not working for me”. Also, it should go without saying that if you don’t want something, you are always and unquestionably entitled to say a nice, clear “no” – both men and women suffer pressure to skip this important step.
    7. Something that almost never comes across in pornography is the love – or at least the sense of intimacy – that exists between most partners.  It doesn’t make for easy screenplay, and most porn actors don’t have such feelings for one another. However, in your life, these are the things that will change sex from being a basic physical act, to a deeply moving and gratifying spiritual experience that brings you closer to your self and your partner (if you want it to). (This point shouldn’t be read as a vote against casual sex with a relative stranger, if that’s what you’re into). 
    8. In the context of a relationship, sex starts hours, days, weeks before penetration – if penetration happens at all. When creating pornography, directors aren’t aiming to put together hours of tantalising dialogue and witty flirting, or even the unlimited varieties of foreplay that most folks enjoy; they’re pitching to an audience that they believe just wants to see explicit sex and lots of it, and so this is what is often produced. However, in real life, putting that much focus on just the hard-core parts of sex makes for some of the least enjoyable sex you could hope for. The way you and your partners treat each other throughout the day, and the way sex begins, makes a big difference to your enjoyment of sex.
    9. The more you watch one particular kind of porn, or one particular body type, the more your brain will wire itself to associate that type of activity or person with sex. This has implications for your love life; be careful you don’t accidentally program yourself for a narrow band of enjoyment, as you might overlook a whole variety of other pleasures.
    10. Porn works pretty well if you just want some relief. But again, you’re inadvertently programming yourself for quick, shallow orgasms if this is the extent of how you use it. Why not go the other way? Set aside a couple of hours, rack up a suite of your favorite porn, and see how long you can hold out for. Soon you’ll be having orgasms you didn’t know were possible, and it will radically improve your love life, not detract from it.

    Good sex is both your right and it’s within your reach –- treat it like any other skill that might benefit from some focus now and then. Pornography is not always useful as an educational resource, but nor is it pure evil. Let your own feedback and the feedback from your partner be your ultimate guide, and enjoy!

  10. »  Outstanding Teacher Accused of Causing Gayness, Which Is Incorrect and Impossible

    Teachers can turn your daughters gay! At least, that’s what a Floridian student’s stepfather claims. Last year, the district for Deerfield Beach High School investigated Juliet Hibbs after allegations were made against her involving a student whose parents were upset about their child’s sexual orientation. The youth’s parents claimed that Hibbs knew their daughter was gay, failed to disclose the information, told their daughter not to return home and most damningly, was responsible for his daughter’s lesbianism.

    Normally there’s only one type of newsworthy story when it comes to homosexuality and student-teacher relationships. When these claims arise, they typically involve teachers failing their students, so a few dreaded questions come to mind: Did Hibbs have a relationship with the student? Did Hibbs act inappropriately towards her? Did she misuse her position of authority?

    As it turns out, no. Quite the opposite in fact. Yes, the student is gay. Yes, she was Hibbs’ pupil. But no, there were no inappropriate actions between them. In fact, Hibbs looks to be the hero of the story, whereas the accuser, the student’s parent, is the perpetrator.

    Hibbs is trying to separate herself from the accusation of misconduct as she files charges against the school district via the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

    The problem started when a man discovered his stepdaughter was gay via her Twitter feed. Instead of acting like a mature human being, he used Twitter as a platform to harass her. Hibbs saw the tweets’ damaging effects on her student. “As each message came, she got smaller. I watched her get destroyed.” Hibbs reported the stepfather for child abuse and cyberbullying and a counsellor advised the student that she had no legal obligation to return home. Normally that would be the end of a depressing tale, but the story got worse as the stepfather made his claim that Hibbs was the one at fault. After this accusation of misconduct, even though the district’s investigation proved that Hibbs had done no wrong, her name and career had already been tainted.

    Strip away the homosexual aspect of this story, and you’re left with an educator protecting the wellbeing of her pupil. She stepped in and made a call when she learned a girl was harassed and bullied by her own parents. If this were any other case, the teacher would be thanked and congratulated for her outstanding behavior.

    Instead, Principal Jon Marlow gave credence to the young woman’s tormentors/parents because the word gay came up. If the case had been looked at logically, the stepfather’s words would have held no water. For one thing, Ms. Hibbs is straight. For another, you just can’t cause someone to be gay. Hibbs just happened to standing at the front of the class when yet another person came to terms with their sexuality. The daughter certainly didn’t blame Hibbs.

    When religious fanatics and anti-gay groups posit the idea of teachers “indoctrinating students into homosexuality” or “teaching the gay lifestyle,” I’m often left scratching my head. What exactly does it mean? There’s quite a difference between recruiting and teaching acceptance. Letting students know that homosexuals exist doesn’t cause them to become gay any more than teaching them about other societies makes them change their culture. I know I’m preaching to the choir, but if someone’s gay, they’re still going to be gay whether they come out as a teen or as a senior.  Knowing that you aren’t alone simply quiets the confusion and legitimizes the feelings. Chances are more students will come out when they’re in high school, but it won’t be due to teachers assigning homosexuality as homework.

    This abusive stepfather’s bizarre accusation shows that teachers need the freedom to bring sexuality up in their classrooms. If Hibbs hadn’t offered the student support and gone to bat for her, Deerfield Beach High School might still be in the media, but for very different reasons. If so-called “homosexual indoctrination” means protecting powerless students from the slings and arrows of their unrelenting bullies, then I support it. I just hope that one day there’ll be someone to protect the protectors.

    In a Facebook message to Ellen, Hibbs makes her case once more.

    Please help me. I am trying to create safer schools. I am the teacher that is in the news and I was accused of “possibly contributing to a students homosexuality”. Because I reported cyber bullying from stepfather to his stepdaughter on twitter about her sexual orientation. I reported properly and I was charged with professional misconduct for reporting the abuse. This was a tactic by my bullying principal. I was outspoken about student safety, rules application equity and issues with administration. I tried to handle this with school board. I was cleared and you can feel free to a copy of the report. Please look at the articles. They are all over the Internet now. I would love help to expose this type of abuse. No one in the school district (Broward schools) seems to care. Ellen…please help!!! All I want is a safe and secure educational environment for the staff and students. I thank you in advance for all of your help!

    There need to be more teachers that do right by their students and learn to be proper mentors and role models. I applaud Hibbs for doing her job, thus doing right by her students. She has decided to run for the school board and hopefully can change the discourse so parents, teachers and principals realize what they owe their teens. Until then, I salute you Ms. Hibbs.

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